Living a Story! - April Payne

One door closes...another door opens.

Sun, 26 Dec 2010 00:00:00 GMT

My last World Race blog....

How do I sum it all up?

the stories,

the adventures,

the questions,

the answers,

the laughs,

the tears,

the friendships,

the revelations,

the peace,

the sweet whispers from my heavenly dad,

the longing for more...

I don't think its possible to put all of this in words. My experiences with God have been so intimate and personal it almost feels wrong to try.

But I can say that I know God is seeking each of you out individually so that you can experience your own unique relationship with Him.

I was listening to a song the other day while I was getting ready; the lyrics went something like this...

"The same God that holds the universe is holding your heart in His hands."

It still blows my mind that the God of the universe seeks me out.

He wants to have one on one conversations with me.

He wants to love me in a way that no one else can.

CRRRAAZZY LOVE!

That is what I am experiencing.... I didn't know it was possible to be loved like I am.

God took me to the other side of the world...

To tell me how much He loves me,

To show me that He is still God everywhere,

To show me that people are people everywhere,

That I am me no matter where I am,

And that I have been missing what has been right in front of me.

My transition home could not have been any sweeter. My family and community have welcomed me back with open arms. I never thought I would end up back here (other than to visit), but it feels so good and so right.

God has been opening so many doors.

One of the greatest surprises was getting home in time to see three of my favorite girls graduate from Shepherds Hill (the program I worked with during the summer). I got to spend part of my Christmas with the girls who are still there and I get to spend New Years with them too. I'm so excited to have them in my life again.

As soon as the New Year rolls in, I will be taking over the youth ministry at Glad Tidings Assemblies of God. My family is going to partner with me in this; I am so excited to serve with them! I can't wait to live and breathe kids.

So far since I graduated in May... NOTHING has gone as planned... And I am SO GLAD.

I couldn't be happier.

God is definitely better than I am at making plans.

"The sense of being led by an unseen hand which takes mine while another hand reaches ahead and prepares the way, grows upon me daily."

This blog will be closed on the 28^th but I am starting
a new one to share my adventures with the youth. It is not up and running yet but it will be very soon.

http://aprilmichellep.tumblr.com/ Check it out!

He is who He is

Wed, 8 Dec 2010 00:00:00 GMT

When we first arrived at our ministry in a Malaysia, the pastor at the church we were staying at invited us to a prayer meeting with all the community pastors. After the meeting they treated us to a very popular Malaysian breakfast. During the meal I started asking the pastor who was sitting next to me a bunch of questions about his faith. I found out that he grew up in the Muslim faith and was curious about how he met God and stepped out of his family's faith.

This is what he told me:

"When I was 21 years old, my cousin got saved and I was her first target. She was determined to convert me. She talked to me about God all the time. I loved debating with her and I was very good at it. I started finding pleasure in being able to stump her in our religious talks.

Eventually she got discouraged and she called out to God and said,

I don't know what to do?

She heard God clearly say, STOP TALKING TO HIM ABOUT ME AND START TALKING TO ME ABOUT HIM.

So she completely stopped trying to win me over with her words and trying to convince me to believe in God. She began a 40 day fast to seek Him on my behalf.

Meanwhile, I was still doing research and finding joy in becoming knowledgeable about my religion. But one day while I was doing this, something just came over me. Suddenly none of the stuff I had been researching made sense and it definitely didn't feel real. Although I could win an argument with my cousin, I started reflecting on all our conversations and realizing that the God she served seemed so much more real and relational. It all happened very fast. I found myself on my knees asking God to come into my life.

I called my cousin to tell her and found out that she was on day 20 of a 40 day fast for me. God definitely heard her prayers and definitely changed my life forever."

It is so easy to think that we must have the right thing to say or know exactly how to act to show people that our God is who He is.

But the truth is, OUR GOD IS WHO HE IS NO MATTER WHAT WE DO.

He just wants us to talk to Him.

month four: AMERICA

Wed, 8 Dec 2010 00:00:00 GMT

My race route took a quick twist and I am now sitting in the Tokyo airport awaiting the arrival of my plane back to America where I will begin month four.

First, I want to say THANK YOU to all my supporters. The last three months have been incredible. Each country presented its own unique excitement, challenges, and lessons that will forever impact how I view myself, this world, and the God I am so proud to serve.

All of the financial support I received was used (...and then some, to get me home). I couldn't be more thankful that you allowed God to work through you to give me this life changing experience.

Second, I want everyone to know that my coming home is not due to God not providing for me. It is due to Him providing for me in so many wonderful ways. Yes, it looks different than expected; 3 months overseas as opposed to 11. But God knew the desires of my heart before I even knew them. My financial status definitely pushed me into a time of prayer and questioning. During that time, God quickly changed my question from "Why have my funds for the rest of the race not been coming in?" to "God you know better than I do, let your will be done."

As I began praying for God's will to be done, I felt like He was asking me to really search the desires of my heart and asking me to be vulnerable with myself and with Him. When I began this process, I quickly started to realize that as much as I was enjoying myself on the race... I really did long to be doing ministry somewhere more long term where I could really invest and to not be moving through all of these experiences at such a quick rate. It hurts to give your heart to people and places and then leave. I don't think it is a bad thing at all it's just a hard thing. It has definitely taught me to cling to God.

At this point I wasn't o.k. with putting those desires before God because I didn't think it was the right prayer. I didn't know if I could trust my own desires because I know my nature. But in so many different ways God kept speaking, "be vulnerable, I want to give you the desires of your heart." Eventually, I was able to put those desires before God without shame, knowing that He longs for his children to be completely vulnerable with Him because He wants to give them the desires of their heart.

I think we need to be willing to sacrifice our desires and there will be times God asks us to do so but our Dad wants us to give us beautiful things. If we are truly in an intimate relationship with Him, I believe we can reach a point where our desires are in line with His. One of the pastors in Malaysia said, "Bowing down was one of the first forms of worship, it is a representation of putting your mind below your heart."

I'm learning what it means to bow down.

I'm learning what it means to follow my heart.

I'm learning that God loves who I am and He did not make mistakes in creating me.

My desires are part of who I am.

So really it is blessing that the money came at the rate it did. If it was all there ahead of time I would not have been challenged to seek the desires of my heart. I have no doubt God could have brought the money in and would have provided it, if it was what I really wanted. He knew what I wanted before I did and gave me the opportunity to seek it out and to learn that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

He is far more concerned with who we are than where we are.

Coming home is definitely not easy but it really is what I want; it happened a lot faster and very differently than I expected. I already miss my team and squad; they have definitely become family to me. I can't thank God enough for letting me spend the past three months with them. But family is family no matter where you are. So I don't consider this an ending for us... just the beginning of a new chapter. I cannot wait to find new ways to encourage and support them.

I have no doubt that God is opening doors for me at home. I'm so excited to see everyone, to process through everything I just experienced, and so excited to see what He has for me next!!!

Psalm 16:5-6

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.''

Hugging the Toilet

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems like everything is against you, nothing goes as planned, and when you think it's about to get better it only gets worse?

What about one of those weeks?

Months?

Years?

I think we all experience such seasons. I'm a summer girl, so I like to refer to those times as never ending winters. Bitter cold seasons where you can't seem to get warm, times where you can only imagine what it would feel like to be able to remove all the extra layers of clothes you have been hiding under in attempt to keep warm, times you close your eyes and try to remember what spring even looks like.

That may sound a little dramatic but if we are honest.... I think we have all been in places where we just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That's where I was coming out of Cambodia.

It was a rough and challenging month and there were many times I had to close my eyes and remind myself that it was only a season and that spring would come. I knew God was trying to do something in me and that if I could just endure the winter, spring would be so much sweeter than it ever had been. I expected to walk into my week of debrief finally feeling the warmth and seeing the flowers bloom.

But it wasn't like that... instead it was a time of applying the hard lessons God had been teaching me all month. My partner Matthew and I are in charge of the logistics for our squad. I was so excited to go ahead of the squad and prepare a week of what world racers would consider luxury. I couldn't wait to bless them with a much needed week of fun and rest.

When I arrived and sat down to have a meeting with Matthew and my squad leaders, I realized my computer was no longer in my back pack. I tried to think back and remember where I had left it to decide who could have taken it. Most likely it was taken on the bus on my way to debrief.

This was my only form of communication with home. But surprisingly my first thought wasn't anger or even frustration...

my first thought was "God, You are more than enough."

I was kind of shocked at my own reaction but I kept thinking back to the tree house that I had just spent a month in. I kept thinking about how God had been shouting the words "I am all you need, everything else is an extra!" over and over to me all month.

So I was kind of excited, I was starting to get it. I mean a computer is a pretty big deal right? And I was able to hold on to it loosely, to consider it an extra.

The next night, I woke up around 2am... feeling extremely nauseous. I layed in bed, knowing I only had four more hours to sleep and a very busy day ahead of me. I asked God to stop the pain and to settle my stomach but before I knew it, I was sitting on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet. What in the world?

I cried out, "God, what's wrong with me? I feel like I am doing everything right and everything keeps going wrong? I had a good attitude about my month, about my computer... I looked to You, knowing You were more than enough, trusting that You had my best interest at heart. So why God? Why am I sick? When will spring come?"

But I kept being taken back to the tree house, I kept hearing God say, "I am more than enough, everything else is an extra."

Does that apply to health too?

At this point I had thrown up everything in my stomach and couldn't stop gagging (sorry for being graphic). I felt like my insides were being ripped out, I was dizzy, dehydrated, and so tired. I couldn't lie down because it made me more nauseous and I no longer had the energy to go back and forth from my bed to the bathroom. So I sat there hugging the toilet and begging God to take the pain away. But as I began crying out to Him my prayers were not coming out like I expected them to.

The lesson He had been teaching me suddenly became so clear. My health is an extra, a blessing from Him. Just like the computer, it is a gift. It is not something I can depend on, not something I should take for granted, not something that can't be taken from me with the blink of an eye. The one and only thing that I can truly depend on is God and the beautiful thing about that is He is more than enough. He really is!

I was so tired, weary, and weak. But in my weakest moment, I was able to cry out to God and thank Him for being more enough and thank Him for all the extras that never seemed like extras before. I said, "God thank you for the toilet I'm hugging right now.... It could have been a squatty potty, God thank you for the bed that I will get to rest in when this is over, thank you for the doctor that is just down the street, thank you for my roommate who wants to help me, for the friends that keep checking on me, thank you for clean water....."

I felt miserable but at the same time I felt so incredibly blessed. I was suddenly able to see all these things that were expectations just two months early as gifts from God.

You are probably expecting me to say... and then.... I was suddenly healed!

well I wasn't.

But I was o.k.

I still had more than enough.

The rest of the week was up and down. I didn't get to do nearly as much as I was hoping to. When I thought I was better, I would try to jump back into everything, and end up back in bed or back in the bathroom. But I was starting to see the flowers blooming. I was seeing little blessings and gifts from God everywhere.

Who ever thought I would be thankful to be hugging a toilet?

I started to see the beginning stages of Spring, and oh how sweet it was....

Believe it or not.. I was SPEECHLESS!

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 00:00:00 GMT

So just a couple of weeks ago I was telling my team that no one has ever successfully surprised me because... well I am just usually really good at figuring things out....

But near the end of the week of debrief we had a squad dinner. Matthew and I were able to work out an awesome deal with an amazing restaurant that would have usually been well out of our budget. Everyone was in high spirits, enjoying the meal, the company, and the service.

We each had what we call a secret buddy all week. It was someone we were supposed to bless throughout the week and at some point do something to publicly embarrass/encourage them, revealing who you are.

So when my teammate Adam, rung his glass at dessert and asked for April Payne to please come to the front, I immediately turned red. It was a long walk to the other end of the table.... I could only imagine what he was about to do or say. I mean he is a pretty extreme individual (as is our whole team) and most frequently lives by the "go big or go home" rule.

As I walked to the other end of the table, I had all kinds of pictures and ideas flashing through my mind. I was hearing whispers coming from the rest of the squad... "I'm so excited", "she is already embarrassed", "aww I can't wait". My thought was "Really Adam? You better believe I will take revenge."

I arrived at the end of the table.

I looked over and saw Michael Perez videotaping all of this.

"Cool."

"I dish it out, I can totally take it."

And Adam says....

"On behalf of the whole squad, I would like to honor you and thank you for everything you do for us. I know you have had a rough week and when your computer got stolen, I really felt led to go to the rest of the squad and we got you this..."

HE HANDED ME A BRAND NEW LAP TOP.

What?

I didn't even know what to do with that.

I was told my expression changed about 17 times in a matter of 30 seconds.

From a smile... to tears... to laughing... to I don't deserve this... I don't know how to repay you... to "thank you so much"...

to WOW I WAS JUST SURPRISED......

I felt so loved; I wasn't even sure how to receive it. Such a blessing! Such an extra!

"This is the way I live!"

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I am in country number 3! MALAYSIA J!!!!!!!!!!!

I love it here. It is absolutely beautiful! On the bus ride, I kept saying to myself "I can't believe this is my life right now."

The mountains were huge, the water was sparkling, I was on a bus with a back pack almost as big as me, and 11 other girls who were complete strangers to me just 5 months ago.

I kind of laughed at myself and was like, "yeah...This is the way I live!" J

Time has been so weird on this trip. Sometimes I feel like its flying but then there are times that I feel like it's going by so slow. I never really know what day it is. There are not really any seasons. It's just different. But it's good.

I knew I had been in Asia quite a while when I finally reached a Starbucks, ordered a Grande latte', and couldn't believe how big it was.

When we got settled and started to meet the people we would be working with. It was confirmed that I LOVE Malaysia. The people here are INCREDIBLE. Everyone wants to be my friend, maybe it's because I'm white, but I still love it. Most of them speak English. And well they are just awesome... the kind of people I would like to be around all the time.

So... so far this month has been great!

Thank you for all of your support and prayers! I have more stories coming...

...Back It Up!

Mon, 8 Nov 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I never took the opportunity to wrap up my experience in the Philippines so before I sum up my last week of ministry in Cambodia I thought all of you might like to hear about a little about Cedric and Donna Lynn. Sweet Cedric was released from the hospital during our last week. We have tried to keep in touch with some of our friends from the children's home to stay updated on his status. Right now he is doing great. He is starting to show expression and personality.

The last picture I saw of him, he was smiling. Please keep praying that God will keep him healthy and continue to surround him with people who love him. Right before we left, Bonnie and Marlena went to the hospital with a lady who was going in labor and one of the Doctors looked at them and said "are you the Americans who were taking shifts to take care of the baby over in the children's ward?" They told him they were part of the group and came back and shared this with the rest of us. It's amazing how many people were watching us and we had no idea. This was an entirely different part of the hospital. I think God used our time with baby Cedric in more ways than we know.

I have also been able to stay in contact with Donna Lynn. Saying goodbye to her crushed me even more than I anticipated. But I can't thank God enough for letting me be a part of her life. After getting to spend the month with her, hearing heart, sharing mine, and growing together in our relationship with Christ I had the opportunity to baptize her alongside my teammate Adam.

I can't tell you how special it was to get to be a part of that day. I will never forget it. I send her letters as often as I can and look forward to getting to hear from her every time we go to the city for internet access. Even at thirteen, it is so evident that God is working in that girl's life. Pray that she will stay sensitive to the spirit, continue to mature in her faith, and that she will be a light to all the other kids around her. Also pray that God will speak through me in my letters and give me words that will encourage her to keep pressing in.

Motorcycle DOWN.

Mon, 8 Nov 2010 00:00:00 GMT

My last week at our ministry in Cambodia has been a week to remember. We have gotten pretty good at coming up with ways to fill our free time: lots of long walks, climbing the same mountain four times (every time at a different time of day...so the sky would be different), card games, hand washing clothes, lap top movie nights, competitions to see how many times we could make a volleyball bounce (wasn't in on that one but it was entertaining to watch), guitar lessons, lots of hammock swinging and book reading, cows having babies, pigs being slaughtered, late night talks, and star gazing.

OH THE STARS IN CAMBODIA... That is definitely what I will miss the most. They are so close and so bright. I feel like I can't go to sleep while they're still out...which has made me quite the night owl this month.

The last two days with the boys at teen challenge were definitely the highlight of my time with them. Bonnie and I went to teach our last English class but decided to take them swimming instead (there is this swimming hole across from the center they go to). The director came up and asked me if we really wanted to take them swimming (at least that's what I think he asked) and I said yes. He said a bunch of other things I did not understand and the next thing I knew we were all piled in a van for a field trip. Surprise! We had no idea where we were going. They took us to a sweet bridge you can jump off of into the water. The guys were so excited. Bonnie and I were just going to take pictures and hang out (Everyone told us to be careful about getting in the water.....because well its brown and they don't want us to get any infections). But it was a really high jump and they were making it look ridiculously fun so we caved and decided to take the risk and I'm so glad we did. It was even more fun than it looked! I loved getting to see them just hanging out. The communication barrier didn't matter so much when we were just counting to three to jump, laughing, pushing each other off, and helping each other out. Their personalities were coming out more than ever. I wish we could have spent more time like that with them.

The next day Ryan and I went to do our last devotion with the boys. We have not had an interpreter for the last week so our teachings have been kind of rough. We decided to get creative and come up with a way to act out what we were teaching. We successfully got them all to participate in our illustration. It seemed like they were all really engaged and understood what we were trying to teach. So praise God for working through the language barrier!

I hope our time with them will be something they remember. Communicating was definitely a challenge for us but we did the best we could (I think we will learn to get more creative as we go). I was sad to say goodbye to them...they were a fun group. There is so much potential in all them, pray that God will help them work through their addictions and stay focused on Him. Their eagerness to learn amazes me...if they continue to channel that in the right direction they will do great things!

So our CamBOREDia adventure almost ended very smoothly.....until we decided to take a last day trip on the motor bikes to see a temple. We managed to decide on three people who could drive (or so we thought) and put two people on two of the bikes and three on the other (this is the one I was on). After careful instructions on how to drive and a few stall outs we were on the road. Not even two minutes into the trip it started raining. About five minutes into it, it started pouring. But being the world racers we are.... We were not going to let a little rain stop us. We turned onto the dirt road (which was a mud road at this point), hit a rock...started swerving... tried to turn the wheel... lost control.... had about three seconds to brace ourselves for what was about to happen... and we were down! Fortunately, we were all ok. I ended up with a muffler burn and some pretty intense bruising but other than that we were just a little shaken up. We got the bike up and found out by someone passing by that we weren't allowed to tour the temple when it was raining (REALLY?). We were covered in mud pushing the bikes back down the dirt road in the rain, saying "Get us out of here!" It was kind of the last straw for everyone... but we managed to get the bikes off the dirt road and slowly ride them back to the tree house. And we even managed to laugh about all of it as we were packing our bags to leave.

CamBOREDia

Mon, 1 Nov 2010 00:00:00 GMT

"You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek, You are my all in all."

"All I have in You is More than enough."

These words probably sound familiar to many of you. In fact many of you sing words like this every Sunday morning or listen to songs like this on the way to work. But what do these words really mean?

Is God our all in all?

Is He the strength we call on when we're weak?

The treasure that we seek?

Is He really more than enough?

I'd like to think so...... but my life and mindset definitely don't demonstrate that. In fact my actions and thought process could better be described with words like....

You are great but I need more

Nice things and human relationships is what I seek.

You are my strength when I don't have the option to depend on someone else.

I can't even begin to put into words all that God has done in my heart this week. But I am finally learning the meaning behind those worship songs that I have been singing all my life. I thought I was dependent on God. I thought He was more than enough for me. But as soon as I found myself in a situation without all the things that I have become accustomed to, I wasn't happy.

Was God still there?

Yes, of course He was.

But He wasn't more than enough for me.

He wasn't even close to enough for me.

I had a whole check list of things I still needed before I was going to be happy.

You see, I had prepared myself to be without a bed, a hot shower, and the best food but I didn't prepare myself to be without communication, without people, the ability to build relationships, or without activities to keep me occupied. I didn't prepare myself to be left alone with my thoughts. I don't think I even knew what that meant. I have always had to sneak away to be alone. I've never just been left there without a choice. So after about three days of being stranded in what I had then very maturely nicknamed CamBOREDia my mind started wondering all over the place. Those words "you are more than enough for me" kept running through my mind and I wanted to believe them but I didn't.

I wasn't O.K. just sitting there with God all day... just me and Him.

I wasn't O.K. with me.

I needed other people around.

Things from my past started popping up left and right. I was starting to see so many of my insecurities that I had blocked out...because "I'm not insecure, I'm confident, I know who I am"......or at least that is what I have always told myself and I've always had other people around me confirming that. I loved looking like I had it all together; I loved people coming to me for advice because it made me feel like I had it all together.

After fighting these thoughts and complaining about this place for about a week, I finally caved. I said, "God, all right. Let's deal with this. I know you brought me for a reason."So I began to ask him to take my regrets, my insecurities....and then I got really brave and began to ask Him to start revealing anything else I had been avoiding."

Be careful what you ask for!

I am not going to walk you through the whole process but I will tell it has been brutal. I will tell you that there are still things that I am dealing with and that I don't have it all together and that I will never have it all together. But I will also tell you....

it is so FREEING to accept that and be o.k. with it,

to stop lying to myself,

to not have anything to hide,

to not depend on other people to confirm who I am.

I cannot even imagine how much better I will be able to love people when I am not depending on them for my happiness, how much more grace will I be able to show them when I am not placing unrealistic expectations on them, or how much more vulnerable will I be when I am not depending on them to tell me who I am. It's crazy for me to think about how much I depend on my family, friends, and even the people I minister to for my happiness and fulfillment. It is so unfair and so unrealistic. No human is ever going to be able to give me everything I need.... they are human. The truth is that we will always let each other down at some point and if I depend on people for my happiness....when they do let me down, I won't be able to show them grace because I will feel robbed. If I think I need them, I won't ever be able to see them as the gift from God that they are.

When He is truly more than enough....It won't matter where I am, who I am with, or how much is taken from me because He will always be there. I am only beginning to grasp this. I am beginning to see everything else as extra. And oh how many extras God has given me! But I am finally singing these words and really understanding what they mean. I am finally loving people for them and not how they make me feel. The way they make me feel may be awesome....but it is an extra, a gift, a blessing.....not an expectation.

It's crazy how fast my attitude has changed about this place. The last couple of days have been so relaxing and so appreciated. I have found so much joy in being here....yes I said it...I like CamBOREDia now. In fact I think I am actually going to miss it. But I'm not so worried about where I will be next, or where I will be three months from now.....God really is more than enough and I will really be ok wherever. I can't promise I won't complain again or that I won't need to be reminded of this in the future (or maybe even in a week).... But our God is so gracious and so patient. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.

Living in a Tree House!

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Alright sorry you have not heard from me in so long. Here is the deal...

After arriving in Cambodia, my team was picked up from the airport by someone with Teen Challenge. Teen Challenge is the ministry we are working with this month. It is a yearlong Christian rehab program for teenagers with drug and alcohol addictions. We were told....or maybe we just assumed that the program was located in the same city that the airport was in (which is supposedly a big city with access to just about anything we would need).......WRONG! We asked the man who picked us up, how long the drive would be and he said two hours. Hmmm, clue number one.

The drive was long and bumpy. The roads were all flooded, so it was like we were driving through a creek for two hours...with really huge rocks at the bottom of it. We were making bets on who would be the first to get car sick. When we finally reached our destination we all crawled out of the van stretching and trying to adjust all our dislocated joints (slight exaggeration...but the ride was pretty rough). I looked around and saw a mountain behind me and flat land and dirt roads for as long as I could see in every other direction. There was one building on the land in front of us...which of course was Teen challenge. After we walked around and had lunch (which they had prepared for us before we arrived), we were taken to the place where we would be staying. It is not even a half a mile down the road from Teen Challenge.

The best way I can describe the place we are staying is to call it a tree house (which is kind of cool...reminds me of Swiss family Robinsons). It is not really in a tree but it just has that kind of feel. All six of us are staying in one empty room, where they rolled out wicker mats for us to sleep on, and hung mosquito nets for us to sleep under. So it is going to be a slumber party for the next three weeks. There is no running water or electricity. They have huge pots full of rain water sitting around the living quarters (this is where we will be bathing and washing our clothes). They cook all their food over fires and eat rice for EVERY meal. This is definitely not anything we are accustomed to but it's so clear to see that they are going out of their way to give us the best accommodations they can. The first night they made dinner and watched us eat (I'm not sure why they didn't eat with us). But we get to sit on the table to eat, which makes eating 10x more fun.

There is a small preschool right below us, so we are woken up by children screaming "hello" each morning. "Hello" is the only English word that most people here know. The language barrier has probably been the hardest thing for me to deal with. I can take baths in pots and use a head light to read at night but not being able to communicate with anyone has made me feel super useless. Communicating and building relationships are what I'm good at, it's who I am....but no one here understands me.

We were all stranded in our tree house for the first couple of days (the director...and the only one that speaks English... was sick), not really knowing what to do with ourselves. The days were long and hot and we wandered if the director might not ever show up... what we would do all month. Fortunately, he did show up and we all got assigned a class or two a day to teach. I am teaching English, Art, and Bible. I don't really consider myself a teacher and expected to really struggle with it since the boys don't know English but it has been surprisingly fun. They don't speak English but they still have a sense of humor and a crazy desire to learn whatever we are willing to teach them. I think I laughed for two hours straight in my last English class. At one point, I was teaching them how to say "see you later" and I kept walking out the door as I was saying it in attempt to demonstrate the meaning.... And they would all yell "No." It took about ten tries before they understood that I wasn't leaving and that I was trying to show them how to use the phrase. It was hilarious. Then I was trying to teach one of the boys how to say "pink" and I felt like I was saying it so clear but when he would repeat it, it sounded nothing like "pink." I didn't realize that I was getting louder and louder until the whole class busted out in laughter as we were shouting "pink" back and forth at each other. He still doesn't say "pink" right but at least we got a good laugh out of it..... and I'm pretty sure we successfully learned quite a few words. So teaching is entertaining to say the least. But unfortunately that only consumes about two to three hours of my day.

I think God has been telling me to slow down for quite a while and now He has done for me what I refused to do for myself. I am forced to slow down this month. It's time to really learn what it means to rest in Him and it's time to process through my feelings. I can't remember the last time I didn't have to set an alarm when I went to bed, could sit down and read a whole book, or could go on a walk and not have anything to get back for. Some days I wish life was more like this all the time and other days I have no idea what to do with myself and want nothing more than to buy a plane ticket home. But I know I'm here because God put me here. I would like to think God has a really good sense of humor and has been cracking up at my team's bipolar mood swings. One day is up and the next is down...never the same for everyone of course. So one month seems pretty long and eleven is looking really long.... but we are in this together and we are in this with Him. So right now we are doing all we know to do...... giving our two to three hours of teaching all we have, getting to know each other, and LEARNING TO DEPEND ON GOD AS OUR COMFORT!

Heaven Just Got Better

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 00:00:00 GMT

First, I am sorry that I have not been blogging more. I usually love to write and I want to share what God is doing in me and through me. It's selfish to keep those things to myself. But it has been a real struggle for me since I have been here. So much has been going on inside of me. I have been feeling on a deeper level than I ever thought was possible. It's hard to put my heart into words but my heart is what I want to share with you.

I have definitely experienced a new way of life. I know by reading my first couple blogs, you probably gathered that I was a little uncomfortable and still trying to process what I had gotten myself into by coming on the World Race. Those thoughts were real but they definitely didn't last long. It was less than a week before I had forgotten that I was away from home and that the life I am living might be labeled radical or out of the ordinary.

It feels just right, nothing about it seems radical. The people here are incredible. They have welcomed us with open arms. Each of them has become so much more than someone I met on a trip around the world. They have become friends. They have become family, we laugh together, we share our hearts, we are quick to recognize when someone is having a bad day, and quick to put our own agenda on hold to help. Everything is slower and everything usually requires more work but the way everyone works together and spends time together makes the immediacy and luxury I have become accustomed to, less and less appealing.

The first Sunday I spent here I said to Bonnie "I don't know how I'm going to be able to leave this place" and she said, "Think about how much sweeter heaven going to look as we travel around the world. In heaven all the people that we have grown to love will finally be in one place." How beautiful is that.

So as I sit here reflecting on my time here and the people I am going to say goodbye to in just a few days I try to picture the day that we will all be reunited, the day that all the people who have impacted me beyond explanation will all be in one place with our Dad... the one who ties us all together. I can't even fathom what that is going to look like. It's going to be AMAZING.

But I can't help but thinking I wish they could meet here. I wish I could bring all the people I left at home around the world with me, I wish they could experience what I am experiencing first hand because I know it has shown me a way of life that brings me more fulfillment and joy than I have ever had.

I don't want anyone to miss out on the joy that comes from loving your neighbor, living life a sacrifice, and from slowing down enough to really get to know the people you encounter ever day. I know not everyone is called to missions or to ministry but everyone is called to love and sometimes I think that word has lost its meaning. I think we would all agree that love makes people do crazy things. But the awesome thing about it is that those things only look crazy to the people on the outside. Because to the ones that are in love they make perfect sense.

That's how I feel right now. So many things that looked so crazy to me seem to make perfect sense now and when I try to explain them to people looking from the outside and they don't respond the way I want them to, I get frustrated... not because I want them to agree with me or because I have to have their support but more because I feel like they are missing out.

I have fallen in love with the people, the children, God's children, my brothers and sisters... and there is not anything I wouldn't do to help them out. It's a great feeling and my prayer is that my experiences will encourage other people to love more and love harder wherever they are at, so that we can share the joy and excitement, and so that we will be willing to go to extremes to love each other the way our Dad loves us.........no matter what that may look like.

Donna Lynn

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Since I have been in the Philippines I have had the opportunity to work with the independent living program here at Kids International Ministries. The program is designed for teenage orphans to learn how to live on their own. The kids are mostly between the ages of 12 and 16 and most orphanages will not take children at these ages because the likelihood of them getting adopted is slim to none. I have been doing some morning devotions with them but more so I have just been trying to hang out and get to know them. Last weekend I stayed with them as their dorm mom. I was hoping to see a different side of them than what I see when we meet to hang out. I definitely did, but not so much because they were acting differently. It was more that God began to allow me to see life through their eyes. As I watched them take turns preparing meals for each other, cleaning up after themselves, and clinging to one another to the point where they would choose to sleep in the same twin bed I was broken for them. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have a mom and dad or brothers and sisters, to not know how long I would get to be with the people that I was staying with, or to pray to God every night that He would give me a family that would want to call me their own.

I have had a really special connection with one of the girls. Her name is Donna Lynn and she is 13. At one of the Bible studies I asked all of the kids if they had any prayer requests. Donna Lynn spoke up and asked if I would pray for her family. I immediately began praying that God would be with her family and comfort her in knowing that He was taking care of them even though she was not with them. After that, there were a few more requests and then we closed in prayer and dismissed them to go to school. As everyone was walking out the door, Donna Lynn tapped me on the shoulder and said "Atte April (Atte is their word for Aunt), I didn't mean for you to pray for that. I meant for you to pray that I could have a family because I don't have one."

My heart broke. I wasn't sure how to respond. It was definitely a moment that I called on God and had to let speak through me. I don't know what it feels like to be in her shoes but for that moment I think God allowed me to feel it. We talked and prayed. She told me that she wanted a family more than anything else but that she knew most people didn't want to adopt a 13 year old. She has constantly been in my thoughts since then. I try to spend as much time with her as possible.

The other day, Donna and I were lying in my bed talking and when she left I realized she had left her necklace on my bed. The next morning I saw her in passing and told her that she left it. She said, "I know, I left it on purpose so that you would have to bring it to me because I wanted to make sure you would come see me again."

Needless to say, God has given me a heart for teenage orphans. I know I am young, I still have 10 months on the Race, and that I really need to seek God about what He wants me to do with that but I hope that one day I will be able to give Donna or a child like Donna (or maybe several) the one thing they want the most... a family.

Being around these children makes me wonder why people are not taking them in. It's so easy to say we can't afford to take them, we are too old, too young, or we couldn't offer them the life we want them to have but the truth is that they are not looking for anything outrageous. They just want to be loved. They just want someone to say you're worth it. Every child deserves that.

If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 1 John 3: 17-20

...and I am going to be a MOM!

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT

For a month.....

Yesterday I went to the hospital to sit with a little boy named Cedric. He is 7 weeks old and has breathing problems, a heart murmur, and a hernia. His mom just gave him up to the children's home because she couldn't afford to feed him or pay for his medical care. They said she was so broken, but she knew she had to give him a better life. So the children's home put him in the hospital right away. Right now he needs 24 hour care, so me and a few other girls on my squad are going to take shifts to take care of him.

I got there around 2pm and I was unsure of what to expect. I did not know if he would look really sick, what I was going to have to do for him, or how I would react to what I was about to see. When I saw him I was immediately relieved of that anxiety, a baby is baby... they all need to be nurtured and cared for. He just needs people to step and in and take that role for him, and I get to be a part of that.

At first he cried a LOT. I felt so helpless. After the crying kept going on, my sympathy started to turn into frustration. I was frustrated at his mom, I was frustrated because it seemed like there was nothing I could do to make him feel better, and I was frustrated that I came all the way to the Philippines and I was sitting alone in this tiny hospital room with this baby who would never even know my name. I was thinking about how the rest of my squad was probably in the streets playing games with all the older kids, kids who would get to know them and appreciate them.

But I felt like God said to me, "April, are you doing things to get recognition and seek credit or are you being the body of Christ." Hmmm.... I thought about that for a moment...

If this was my own child I wouldn't mind so much, I would love taking my time to be with him, I would feel like it was my responsibility.

So if I am trying to act as the body of Christ...

and we are all Christ's children...

Cedric is Christ's child...

and I am representing Christ...

Therefore shouldn't I be treating this child as my own?

isn't this my responsibility?

shouldn't I love spending time with him?

My attitude completely changed within a matter of minutes. I think Cedric could tell because he looked right into my eyes and as our eyes locked, he immediately stopped crying. I felt an incredible connection with that precious baby and I was so happy to be able to step in and fill the role of his mother... even if it is just for a little while. That is what the body of Christ is about.

I am now praying that God will teach me to do even the little things with GREAT LOVE, even the things that no one sees. I know that is what Jesus would do... and I am here to represent him.

Raising the Dead.

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I already feel so much better about being here... God has given me this crazy peace and joy... which is exactly what I was praying for. I knew I would be fine as soon as I started diving into ministry. And today I did just that...

This morning we went to the squatter village just outside where we are staying to raise a lady from the dead. The family of this lady (Marisol) asked one of our leaders if she would go to Marisol and pray for her. She could not go because she was leaving to go back to the U.S. that night but she promised them she had a lot of friends that would pray for Marisol to get up.

It may sound crazy, but I serve a God of miracles so if they want me to ask Him to wake her up... well then I will most definitely ask.

At first I stood in the back but then I walked up to her and put my hand on her stomach and told her to get up and walk.

As I put this in writing, I'm kind of laughing at my reaction to the situation. You would think I would have been more hesitant, filled with doubt, or afraid but I was not feeling any of that... I was actually excited to go before God on her and her family's behalf. As I was praying I could literally feel the spiritual warfare that was going on... it was intense...but I was willing to fight. We stood there warring for over an hour.

She didn't get up and you would assume that everyone would walk away discouraged but it wasn't like that at all. I think there was actually an increase in faith. Maybe because we still believe she is going to get up... but either way, I could feel God's presence. I know He was there and I know he heard my request... but I also know He sees a bigger picture and I trust Him.

As weird as it may sound, it was actually a beautiful scene.... So many people were gathered around her singing, praying and believing that we serve a LIVING GOD and that MIRACLES ARE FOR TODAY!

As we walked away, her family and friends were not bitter with us or with God... instead they said, "Thank you. Thank you so much for praying."

Things I Never Knew...

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Just taking it in...

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT

So I am not really sure how to sum up everything that has happened since I have been here... At first I was pretty overwhelmed and to be quite honest I was wishing I was at home and back at Shepherds Hill. 11 months suddenly sounded so much longer than it had. I was beginning to understand why everyone's jaws would drop when they would ask me what my plans were and I would say "I'm backpacking around the world for 11 months." For just a couple hours (or lets be real...a couple of days) I started to think they were right... maybe this is crazy. I was pretty hot, my shower was pretty cold; I was experiencing some serious jet lag, had no coffee, and was trying to take in everything that was going on around me.

I was trying to grasp that these huts that lined the streets and were made with any scrap material you could imagine were what these people call home... and somehow they were still smiling and I wasn't?

My first time walking through the streets I got so overwhelmed and felt so broken hearted. So I did all I knew to do... which was put on my aviators to shield my tears and keep walking. Me feeling sorry for these people will not help anything, I'm sure it would only make them feel worse. But it just didn't seem right; it didn't seem like what God promised... even if they were smiling. I wasn't o.k. with just walking through and waving. I felt like a celebrity trying to build a good image. Not that a smile can't change someone's day but if I am going to be here I can't settle for that. I want to build relationships, I want to hang out, I don't want them to think of me as greater than them, I want to live among them. My sweet coach Gary came and spoke some wisdom into my life concerning what I was seeing and what I could and couldn't change.

After I got myself under control, I saw a lady standing in the window staring at me and I was drawn to her but I wanted to go alone. So I went and introduced myself and hung out with her for about a half hour until my teammates came to find me. Her name is BeBe and she has 3 children. One of them is my age. She loves coffee and told me when I can finally get some I should come over so we can have coffee together... I promised her I would. She loves to sew but has no material or money so I told her that I would get her the stuff and start paying her to make me some skirts (I only brought one). She was really excited and told me she hoped I wouldn't be disappointed because she is not that good... I told her I would love and wear whatever she made. She also taught me a few words in their language and told me that she would love to teach me more. I am going back to see her tomorrow. I can't wait to start having coffee with her J

I also got to play basketball with 2 boys, Chris and Ican. I think we will be good friends but they keep trying to get me to give them my watch and buy them things and I keep telling them that I have to make it all the way around the world. But my pack is kind of heavy and I already feel like I have a lot more than I need so maybe I will give some of it away before I go.

Sorry if my thoughts seem to be all over the place... I am still trying to process everything... But I can't wait to see and share what God does with me and in me while I am here. I know it will be good because He is good!

Meet My Amazing Team!!!

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Team X-Stream

I hate I despise your religious feasts. I can not stand your assemblies. Even though you bring Me burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them. Though you bring me choice fellowship offerings, I will have no regard for them.

Away with the noise of your songs. I will not listen to the music of your harps. But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!

Jordan Wheeler
Our fearless leader

Ryan Hurd
My travel buddy and partner in crime

(His responsibility is to keep up with me everywhere we go :)

Adam Halliday
This is the guy who is going to save me from a lot of camping mistakes

Marlena Griffey
Oh sweet Marlena...

Truly beautiful inside and out.

Bonnie Coley
So precious and Motherly

Couldn't live without her...

(she will probably end up being the one to keep up with me and Ryan)

This is my family for the year. They are awesome!!! I couldn't be more thankful. Please keep us in your prayers!!!!

In Flight...

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Right now I am on the plane in route to Hong Kong where we will have a 3 hour layover and continue on to one of the many places we will call home this year... the Philippines. It has been so crazy getting to this point. I don't think I really put much thought into how long I was going to be gone, what I was leaving behind, and what this adventure is going to actually look like.... Or maybe God just blinded me from all of that until He knew I was ready.

Looking back on what my life has looked liked since I committed to the World Race is absolutely insane. I can now see that all of it was God's perfect plan to get my heart just where He wanted it, just in time. Over the last few days, this trip has finally become real. It's insanely exciting but I am not going to lie... its kind of scary.

Once we boarded the plane, I was ridiculously tired and already feeling jet lagged but right before take off all the excitement of the adventure we are about to embark on rushed through me and as the plane began to lift off the ground my eyes began to well up with tears and I looked to my teammate next to me and said, "I can't believe how much He trusts us." Which completely sums up how I am feeling right now.... What did I do to deserve this? I can't believe He chose me!

I don't know what any of this is going to look like but I know my heart is on fire, I want to share the sweet love that has overtaken me, I want God to romance the nations through me. I don't want this trip to be about painting this perfect picture of my faith and begging people to buy it, I want it to be about inviting everyone I encounter to experience an unconditional love that is irresistible. One of my best friends, Carrie, wrote me a letter that said "love them until they ask why." She couldn't have put it more perfectly.

As I stare out the window in awe, I'm wondering what my year is going to look like...

"Daddy, thank you for bringing me on this trip. Thank you for choosing me."

Best Night of My Life!

Tue, 7 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT

So this morning I finished my last shift at work. I have to say it was pretty emotional, I'm usually good at controlling my emotions in front of the girls but not yesterday or this morning. At dinner, my amazing friend Matt came and played guitar and sang with us. This was the first time I really had gotten to slow down all weekend and as I sat there listening and watching the girls sing with him, I realized how quickly my time with them was coming to an end. I turned to one of the girls who was playing with my hair and said, "Im going to miss you" she held me and one of the other girls grabbed my hand and cuddled up to my other side. It was a beautiful scene, one that I didn't feel ready to leave, one that I will never forget. I didn't think it could get any better....

But it just kept getting better.... and turned out to be the best night of my life. After it had gotten dark, we sent the girls on a scavenger hunt where they would end up on what we call Cliff's Hill. I had blankets, a guitar, and food waiting for them when they finished. God placed the most beautiful arrangement of stars in the sky and we all got to lay there together in awe of His beautiful art work.

I read this part of Velvet Elvis to the girls:

"God empowers creation to make more and in doing so loads it with potential. It is going to grow and change and move

and not be the same today as it was yesterday, and tomorrow it will move another day forward. Creation is loaded with potential and possibility and promise."

If they remember anything I have ever said to them I hope they remember that we are a part of God's creation, each of us are pieces of His beautiful artwork and we are

loaded with potential and possibility and promise.

That is one of the many things I will remember from my time there because I was right there with them learning who I am. They taught me so much about my purpose and about the body of Christ. I can not even express to you in words what God did in my life at Shepherds Hill. When I left Valdosta, I left with some hurt and a lot of regret. I can remember sitting in my car my last semester and hearing that song, "I wan

na be a legacy, how will they remember me?..." and just breaking down. I felt like I screwed up, I cared about the people there so much but I knew I wasn't leaving them with the impression that should have. I wanted to be a legacy, I wanted them to remember the God in me, I wanted them to remember me as being different. But somehow I got sucked in, I took the easier more worn path, the one that seemed to have more company and ended up feeling more alone than I ever had. I can remember the moment I

realized how lost I was. I had run so far that I had no idea where I was or where I was trying to go. I was alone and scared, I knew there was supposed to be more, I knew I had potential. This is when I fell to my knees and said, "God, I'm so lost...Please help me find my way!" Being the loving and faithful God He is, He didn't just clear the path or point me in the right direction... He picked me up and carried me and told me who I am, His beautiful baby girl. Then He carried me all the way to Shepherds Hill to teach me what that meant.

As I layed beneath the stars with the girls I now consider my family and some of my closest friends, I couldn't imagine any place I would rather be. It was at that moment one of the girls spoke up and said, "Miss April, you left a legacy here."

Who am I?

Wed, 1 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I wrote this blog last week and hesitated to post it:

Yesterday morning, I got frustrated with one of the girls. I kind of snapped at her and then it was time to send them to school. So I left on a bad note... I don't usually do this but I didn't know how to handle her. I was genuinely offended and was not speaking out of love but out of offense. As I was driving home, I was so bothered by our conversation and really frustrated with my reaction. I have a close relationship with this girl and she is very special to me. She is not a Christian but she is searching for truth. I only have one more week to spend with her for quite some time. I feel like every moment needs to count for something. I want her to see Christ in me. But during that moment I forgot, I let my offense control me rather than letting God work through me. I always tell the girls, that when they are faced with conflict they have two choices.... bitter or better. I chose bitter that morning.

Part of me said, it was just a dumb little argument that she probably didn't think twice about after I left but the other part of me said, every moment counts, every situation is an opportunity. I couldn't wait until my next shift to talk to her so I went and talked to her that evening. As I sat there apologizing and explaining to her why I was bothered by the situation and that I want her to feel free to share her heart with me, I began begging God for words. He just kept saying, "keep talking, keep sharing your heart..." and I kept saying "God please give me words, I don't trust myself." I was suddenly overwhelmed, I started to tear up as I was talking to her. I was at a loss for words, I didn't understand why God would trust me with his little girl's vulnerable heart... who am I to show her Him? what if I screw up? what if she puts to much in me? "God please say something! To me! To her! Just say something! Don't trust me, I don't trust myself!"

But He said what I feared most, "I trust you." So I did all I knew to do.... I poured out my heart, I was honest. I told her I wasn't sure how to make her see what I wanted her to see so badly, that I was at a loss for words but that my heart was about to explode because I was feeling so much for her, that she is so much more than a job to me, I want her to feel like her life has meaning beyond what she was seeing, and that I want her to look to Christ for that not me. I told her that at times I will let her down, just like anyone else... which is why I wanted her to know the one person that would never let her down.

This story doesn't have any great ending, the conversation didn't end with her falling to her knees or God giving me a specific word that really hit home with her..... or maybe He did? But I don't know that. It ended with a hug and an I love you, a thank you for being real, and for taking your time to come talk to me. It ended with me sitting in my car crying and wondering if I could have said something different or something more. It ended with me asking God, who am I? why are you trusting me with these precious daughters of yours?

I don't trust myself but I think that is where God wants me right now. I am learning to be dependent rather than independent. To look to my Dad for approval...not people, not results. His opinion is meaning more to me everyday.

i'd rather sleep in the woods

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I work at Shepherd's Hill Farm, a wilderness-type Christian boarding school for troubled teens. At work, I sleep in the woods with the girls in the program. It took some getting use to at first but as I have grown closer to the girls and fallen in love with each of them... I have tried to work more and more.... so most of my nights are spent there.

And I actually prefer sleeping there, its weird I know but I have come to love the sounds of nature... I love the community that comes with being in a cabin together with no electricity, no t.v., no pantry stocked with food, no laptops or facebook.... nothing but us, out there in the middle of God's beautiful creation. Out there, life is not to busy to stop and admire the scenery, to ask one another how we are REALLY feeling, to tell stories, to ask questions, to listen, to talk to God, to learn what it means to live in community, to meditate on our days activities.....I could go on and on. There are so many things that are so important to our identity, our relationship with God, and each other that get pushed to the back burner because of all the things we have come up with to distract us. We think we are making life easier and more convenient but in reality we are making it harder to concentrate on what matters most.

Sometimes I find myself using work as an escape from real life... I ask myself why I would rather be there than in the luxury of my own home, where I can eat whenever I want, where I can sleep in the air condition, where I can do what I want and not worry about everyone else.....

Donald Miller could not have answered my question more perfectly....because self indulgence is boring!

The girls at work have the same routine everyday so they want to be a part of a story, they want to have something to work toward, they get excited when I invite them on adventures, they want to hear all about my day, and tell me all about theirs.... all the outside distractions are not an option for them. When I'm there I feel like I'm living a story, I feel like my energy is contagious, the smallest things mean so much, the things that matter don't go unnoticed,and they remember things I tell them that even I don't remember. I have this opportunity to put some excitement in their day, to give them something to talk about, to make them laugh, and to be vulnerable with them, so they can see the real and imperfect me...so they understand that everything good that comes from me comes from Christ because I have many of the same weaknesses they do. The more vulnerable I am, the more they feel o.k. being vulnerable with me, and the more we are able to pull each other up. I can honestly say I learn just as much if not more from those girls than they learn from me. The setting, the scenery, the characters...it's all beautiful. It's a story I love being a part of. I went into this job thinking of it as a summer job that would be kind of cool... oh I had NO idea.

I have not felt so alive in so long! In the woods, when I wake up in the morning, and look around to see my 7 girls waiting on me to wake them up and make a new story for that day... I get a crazy energy. These girls have managed to have such a big part of my heart in such a short amount of time.

Last night, I had a night off. I couldn't relax at my house so I went outside to lay underneath the stars. Immediately God's artwork sucked me in and all the distractions were gone. It was Him and I and this beautiful picture He painted that says so much. I prayed for community, I prayed that people would begin to overlook the distractions and stop to take a long look at creation and at one another. I started to notice some of the trees and how their imperfection is what makes them beautiful. I wondered why in nature being different and imperfect was beautiful and usually draws positive attention.... why do we not appreciate different people like that?

I thanked God for the way I am learning to see people for who they are, not what they have and what they look like, but for their hearts. I asked Him to help the girls see my heart, to help them see how much I care, and how much I love them. Then the longer I stared into the sky, I said, "never mind God..... just as I feel overwhelmed by YOUR love and see you everywhere in your creation, let them see How much YOU love and care about them because that will carry them so much further."

Get Real

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I have really been struggling in my relationship with my Dad here lately. I have been offended because I feel like all his time is consumed with the new house he is buying. I have been hurt because I feel like he cares more about that than spending time with me and helping me get ready to leave. I'm aware that my expectations are much higher than I deserve... my dad has always really catered to me and it's weird coming home after four years and trying to be the adult I feel like I should be but still wanting the same relationship I used to have with my dad. I guess I am not really sure what our relationship is supposed to look like right now and I am not sure he is either.

The other day he came in and said that we needed to have a meeting about some things that needed to be taken care of before I leave. I was immediately annoyed because I knew it was going to be about money and about how I needed to have my things cleaned out of the house before I go. I was imagining he would say something like this:

"I don't have the time or money to be cleaning up after you or covering the financial mistakes you have made."

Hmmm...why should that bother me so much? I mean I am 22 and I was planning on taking care of both those things before I left anyways. Deep down I guess I was kind of overwhelmed at the thought of all of it and even if I was going to do it on my own, I wanted to know my dad did have the time if I needed him. I wanted him to want to help me, not get frustrated at the thought of possibly having to help me.

I was already stressed out about everything and feeling like I am a burden to someone else only intensifies those feelings so I really didn't want to talk to him about it. But I didn't really have a choice. I scheduled a meeting with him because he asked me to pick a time. Two days later, when that meeting time rolled around I had already replayed how I expected the conversation to go over and over again. I was prepared to be frustrated and had my emotional guard up to avoid being hurt.

Well the conversation didn't go at all like I expected. In fact it was probably one of the most peaceful/least intense conversations I have ever had with my Dad concerning finances. He was so open to hearing what I thought...at first I hesitated, because from past experience I knew the more I said, the more he would say and this could turn into an extremely long conversation that ended with no resolve. But as I began to talk, my Dad did not talk over me at all. In fact he asked my mom to let me talk when she tried to say something. I said, "Dad I want you to want to be a part. I know you are worried about making sure all of needs are met and my credit is good but it hurts that you don't want to be more involved than that." He was silent for a minute and then said, "April, I want to be involved I just feel like you want your independence because you are older now and I don't really know what my boundaries are with you. So I have tried to back off because you seem frustrated when I get involved."

Whoa! Total miscommunication!!! He basically told me he wanted to take care of a lot of the things I had been stressed out about trying to do on my own. He said, "NOTHING MAKES A DAD HAPPIER THAN BEING ABLE TO PROVIDE FOR HIS CHILDREN...I JUST DIDN'T THINK YOU NEEDED ME ANYMORE."

Needless to say, I walked out of this conversation feeling a lot better about my dad. Later, I started to replay our conversation in my head and began to think of it in terms of our relationship with God. How many times do we get upset with God? How many times are we confused by the way He is doing things? But instead of confronting Him we shut Him out. Sounds weird to think about confronting God but I think He longs for us to be real with Him, to say "God, I don't understand. God, I'm hurt." But so many times we shut down our feelings and limit our relationship with Him because of our confusion. I think we might be surprised at His response when we choose to be real and vulnerable with Him.

I think one of the greatest examples of this is the book of Job. He is one of my favorite people; he had a relationship with God that was so REAL. In all his emotional turmoil and darkest moments, he did not shut God out.... he was real with Him:

Job 7:16-20

"I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning. What is man that you make so much of him, that you give so much attention, that you examine him every morning and test him every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant? If I have sinned, what have I done to you, o watcher of men? Why have I become a burden to you?"

This may sound depressing but these are his real feelings, and who better to share them with than God? I will let you read the whole story for yourself...but just in case you don't...at the end of the book Lord reveals how pleased He is with Job.

Job 42:12-13

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. He also had seven sons and three daughters.

Job 42:16-17

After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. And so he died, old and full of years.

HE WANTS A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH US!

Free to be me....forever!!!

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

My friend Matt recommended this amazing book to me... and I recommend it to ALL of YOU! It is A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. God has really been teaching me a lot about myself, the way He sees me, and how He wants to use me. This book has helped me see myself and my future in a new way!

I have always been kind of scared to grow up....actually I have gotten weirdly emotional on every birthday since 19. For some reason each time I get a year older or finish another year of school I get this crazy anxiety because I feel like I am running out of time. I'm the kind of person that wants to do and see as much as I can in my life.

I'm an adventure seeker, risk taker, not much of a planner, kind of a rule breaker, love seeing new places and meeting new people, relational to the core, extremist, all or nothing....

And for most of my life I have had the impression that I have to get all of this out of my system before I reach a certain age. I have also questioned how these traits are supposed to fit in Christianity because I never viewed Christianity as thrilling or adventurous. I have imagined that God would one day give me a husband who would calm me down and tell me that all the things I want to do are to dangerous or not practical. Then I would have children and there would not be any time left for my adventures. I would have to sit back, be a good (and boring) example, and watch them have their adventures while I make sure their needs are met.

If I didn't live out my story while I was young, I would look back with regret because my time would be up ...I would end up being one of those parents that try to live through their children. But here lately God has been showing me that I have it all wrong. He made me who I am for a reason and He is not going to ask me to change who I am. He is going to teach me to use those traits for Him, He is going to give me a husband that is going to want to share my adventure not stop it, and when we have children our story will get even better... they will become new and significant characters in the story. My character may grow and take on new roles and perspectives but my character at the core will still be me, the character God created. When a writer creates a character it is done with intention. The character is created to perfectly fit the role they are meant to play in the story.

In Donald Miller's book, He says, "But stories are only partly told by writers. They are also told by the character themselves. Any writer will tell you characters do what they want." God made my character with a beginning and an end but He also gave me the liberty to create my story within His bigger story. No writer wants to write a boring story! I think so often we retire our characters prematurely, we think our time is up or we missed our chance.....but the story is still being told.... It doesn't end until our character dies. Each day the pages are turning.... What story are you telling? A good character has ambition, overcomes conflict, take risks, and make sacrifices. A good character steps out of their comfort zone because self indulgence is boring. A character IS WHAT HE DOES, not what he thinks or feels. If you long for a better story, DO SOMETHING!

I'm not so scared to grow up anymore. I know the story is not coming to an end and I know it doesn't have to be boring. I know God created my character with intention. MY LIFE WILL BE A STORY UNTIL I'M GONE. What kind of story? Well its up to me, it's a choice I will have to make each day. But it doesn't EVER have to be boring :)

Love Letters

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

The other day as I was clocking out of work I started talking to Jottie (one of the other counselors). We were talking about the big changes that are right around the corner for both of us. I am about to leave for the World Race and he is about to move to Colorado. We were both expressing how hard it is going to be to leave the kids that we work with. I told him that as hard as it is, I feel like God has so much work He wants to do in me during this trip. At first, I went into the World Race with the mentality that all these people around the world needed my help. But I believe God was looking at me saying, " you need them just as bad, if not more than they need you." Jottie said "It's good you see that because sometimes we get so caught up in serving that we miss what God is trying to do in us." Then he said, "I had a friend stop me one time and ask me if I had ever taken the time to ask God what He thinks of me, and I hadn't....so I started asking God what He thinks of me. It has been crazy to see the way He responds." He proceeded to tell me that one time after asking God that question, he felt like God was asking him what his favorite meal was and telling him that He wanted to take him out to eat to spend time with him.

Jottie then challenged me to try asking God what he thought of me.

After hearing that he got to go out for his favorite meal, I was totally down. :) So on my way home from work, I said, "God, I want to know what you think of me?" I did not get an immediate response and I kind of forgot I even asked the question after a couple of minutes had passed. But then God started bringing to my mind all the people he has placed in my life here recently. My first response was, "God, I have been longing for good Christian relationships for so long. Why now? Why do you wait and then suddenly put all these people in my life a month before I leave the country? I don't want to get attached now. It's time for me to go."

But then I felt like God said to me, "I have strategically placed each of these people that have blessed you, in your life because I love you. Whether you are here for a month or for ten years, I want to give you what you need and more. Consider them my LOVE LETTERS to you. I send you mail all the time but sometimes you don't even look at it long enough to determine who it's from. If you want to know what I think of you, start reading your mail! I will never stop sending these love letters. Don't let them pile up and be thrown out because you are so busy trying to write love letters for everyone else. Open each one and receive the love I am sending you. The people you are trying to minister to, need you to show them how to read my love letters. I promise that will do them much more good than any love letter you write."

Wow!...is all I could say to that. Since then I have started to recognize not only people but nature, situations, conversations, songs.....as love letters from God. Anyone who cares to write that much... must love who I am, truly treasure our relationship, and long for me to think about Him as much as He thinks about me.

SHUT UP! part 4. The HANGOVER

Sat, 7 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

At this point in the week, I was like, "God can we slow down? I'm feeling kind of hung over. I know you don't know what that feels like, so let me explain... I've just had a little more than I can handle this week so I'm feeling emotionally drained, my head is spinning in attempt to process everything I'm learning, and I'm little out of it. But I know exactly how to fix it....I just need a chicken biscuit, Starbucks latte, and some rest (preferably a real bed but I will settle for a hammock) and I promise I will be good to go again."

He says, "Is that so, well I'm sorry to overwhelm you with my presence. That is not my intention at all. But do you realize how greedy you are?"

I was squirming in my seat. My first thought was "sorry that was a dumb thing to say, I take it back...God please don't ask me to give up Starbucks"....oh and the GREED begins to surface.

For all you Starbucks addicts that are tempted to stop reading for fear of conviction... you can read on. He didn't deal with my greed by asking me to give up anything. Instead He said, "Meet my friends..."

"The widows, the orphans, my baby girls that are being told their only way out is to sell their bodies, the families that are going to choose not to eat so that they can feed you and have your company....."

That night, as I sat under the pavilion listening to the speaker introduce the topic of orphans and sex trade I felt a deep pain inside my chest. I didn't even have to hear any of the details before I began to weep.

The crazy thing is...how many times have I heard both those topics discussed? And how many times have I taken a moment to pity their situation and then quickly moved on to the next thing I had going?

Well it was different that night... I wish I could explain to you in words the agony, the pain, and the shame that came over me. My heart has never hurt so badly. In fact I didn't even know it was possible. My whole body was trembling and I felt as though someone had literally ripped my heart out of my chest.

I only heard bits and pieces of what the speaker had to say. I didn't need details. I needed go to these girls and to these places, I needed to do something about it, I needed to make up for all the time I have wasted, I needed to realize how ridiculously selfish and greedy I am.....

The one thing from the sermon that I do remember very clearly is a small pair of shoes that he held up. They were smaller than the palms of his hands... and he said "these are the shoes of a little girl named Eloise, who was taken from a brothel." THEY WERE SMALLER THAN HIS HANDS.

In America kids get 1 dollar from the tooth fairy.

In Thailand kids make 10 cents a day by prostituting themselves.

In America at age 5 kids enter kindergarten,

In Thailand, at age 5, kids enter the world of prostitution,

In Thailand approximately 800,000 children are involved in prostitution.

Please Help me Help them (click the "support me" link in the left sidebar)!

It's not about me, it's not about you, it's about THEM. It's about JUSTICE!

Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone. Luke 11:42

I hate, I despise your religious feasts; I can not stand your assemblies. Even though you bring me burnt offering, I will have no regard for them. Away with noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps. But let JUSTICE roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream. Amos 5:21-24

Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Whoa, back up...Why am I getting these blogs?

Thu, 5 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Whoa, back up... some of you are thinking, why do I keep getting these blogs from April? I'm not even quite sure who she is or what she is doing. Well if you are that person, it's because I took the privilege of signing you up for my blog! You see... I have this crazy AWESOME opportunity... and I feel bad keeping it all to myself. So I would like to make YOU a part! I would like YOU to follow me around the world (from the comfort of your own home of course).

You see, God has put this burning desire in my heart to bring justice to the nations... and it just so happens He has put this same burning desire in the hearts of 80 other young people who are coming together in September (less than a month) to begin a journey called The WORLD RACE. It is an 11 month journey to 11 different countries: Philippines, Malaysia, Nepal, India, Thailand, Cambodia, Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania, Ukraine, and Romania. We are going to spend 1 month in each country.

We will be surviving off a limited budget and living out of backpacks. I know it sounds absolutely insane and I will admit that I am still processing myself. But our desire is to learn what it means to "sell everything and give to the poor", to serve as Jesus served, to go to the nations as YOUR representitive of JESUS CHRIST.

Call me crazy but I believe God is going to do GREAT things through our squad. My hope is that I will be able to share those things with you as I go. I am so blessed to have this opportunity and I wish everyone could have the chance to spend a year in service overseas... but for those of you who say "that's great but it's just not in the cards for me"... I'm dealing you a new hand and giving you the opportunity to share my journey, to serve by following my stories, and lifting up the people and places I encounter in prayer. God has already shown me that I am going to get far more out of this trip than I am going to give up. I hope that YOU will also be blessed by my journey!

Check back to learn more about the work we will be doing...

And for the continuation of the "SHUT UP!" series (stories from training camp)...

SHUT UP! part 3. Your Eyes!

Wed, 4 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Next He said, "Give me YOUR eyes. Not only is the way you see yourself messed up, but the way you see the rest of the world." I remember the very moment He said this to me...

I was laying on the floor of the cabin listening to my ipod, trying to get some time away from everyone to reflect on everything. That song by Chris Sligh came on: "Give me your eyes for just one second so I can see everything I've been missing."

I began praying that prayer, over and over and over again. "God please give me your eyes." I would have never claimed to see things the way God does but I will admit that I thought I had pretty clear view of the world. But as I was praying this prayer I started to see all these people that have been praying for me for years. I immediately began to feel blessed beyond anything I had ever felt. The people that drove me crazy were the ones that had been on their knees crying out to God on behalf. How ignorant am I? How unworthy am I to have the same people that I gossiped, complained, and looked down on, people that I wouldn't give the time of day...... begging God to hold on to me and claiming victory over my life.

Right about then is when someone came over and shook me to tell me it was time for dinner. As I walked down to the cafeteria, I was looking around at all the other World Racers...I remember thinking I don't know if I feel like crying or hugging every single one of them. I was upset with myself that I had been seeing them through my own eyes...eyes that are quick to cast judgments, eyes that are full of pride but I also had this crazy love for each of them that I just couldn't keep to myself. That dinner was so different; it wasn't even about the food (which is a miracle in itself because at the beginning of the week I was unsure if I would ever be able to think about anything other than my stomach) it was about the people around me, the God we serve, the duty we share. All week I had been told to honor my squad and teammates and to prefer others over myself but for the first time it really made sense to me.

By no means do I have this mastered but I do believe God gave me His eyes for just one second so I could see what I was missing.

As I was walking up to the pavilion from dinner, I said "this is what I came for; this is what I was supposed to get out of this week."

Little did I know, what was else He had in store....

SHUT UP!

Tue, 3 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Have you ever heard God's voice? If not it may be because you have the same problem as me. I talk a lot...I always have something to say. I think God has been trying to talk to me for a while now but I just could not hear Him over the sound of my own voice.

When I got to training camp this week I heard His voice loud and clear. It was not like anything I expected. It wasn't a sweet soft whisper but more of a loud demanding shout (guess that's what it took to get my attention). I started going to

Him in worship and prayer and all I heard was a loud voice saying....

"SHUT UP!" At first I was like, "O.k. God I thought you wanted me to talk to you and about you....and shut up is not a very nice word and definitely not what I would expect from you."

As I was babbling on....would you believe what His reply was....

"April, SHUT UP!"

At that point I was a little intimidated and embarrassed that I just talked back to God so I was like

"O.k. God, done. I am going to shut up because apparently you have something to say and you are not kidding."

Then He immediately brought this scripture to my mind:

Mark 10:21

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said, "Go and sell everything you have and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

My first thought was

"Great God, I am so relieved we are on the same page...this verse has been on my heart for a while. Which is why I am here at training camp for the World Race. I am going to give up everything to follow you."

This time God's voice was not so loud, but more of a sympathetic you really don't get it kind of tone.

He said,"April please stop talking, I have put this verse on your heart for a reason but you are not even close to understanding what 'everything' means. Please, give me the opportunity to speak and listen to what I have to say."

So that is kind of how I spent the rest of my week....listening.

Check back to hear what He had to say.....

SHUT UP! part 2. You're Daddy's Girl!

Tue, 3 Aug 2010 00:00:00 GMT

First He said to me, "You must give me your identity. You don't see yourself the way I see you. You see yourself the way the world sees you.

Because God knows me inside and out, He knew it would take more than words to get me to see what He wanted me to see. So on the third night of camp I stood underneath the pavilion where most of our worship services were held and began to enter into worship. As I stood there, I felt as though I was swept away into a different world. I felt the presence of God in such a strong way, I can't even describe it. I was almost scared to move, for fear I would snap out of it.

I saw myself sitting in a chair beside Jesus' throne. It wasn't who I am today but it was me as a little girl. I got out of the chair and began dancing and spinning in circles but I couldn't stop looking back at the expression on Jesus' face as He watched me. The expression said "that is my beautiful daughter and I am so proud she is mine." I heard Him say "April this is how I see you, as my innocent baby girl. I don't see the mistakes you have made or the person the world has tried to make you become. I see you as pure and innocent and I am proud to call you my child."

Then He asked me to come sit in His lap and lay my head on His chest to rest, so I did. As soon as I put my head on His chest I felt His heart beat. It was so real. At that moment I knew this wasn't just a dream or hallucination...it was real...He is proud to be my daddy and wants to hold me in His arms. Then He said to me, "I want to take you on an adventure." My mind immediately jumped to world race, my financial situation, and everything I was going to have to give up. And I said, "Daddy I want to go because I love you but it's just to expensive, I don't know if I have what it takes." And He said, "When you were a little girl and your daddy took you out on an adventure, did you ever worry about having money? No, because you knew your daddy always took care of you. I am your daddy and I am going with you. You don't have to worry about a thing. Just hold my hand and walk."

So we started to walk hand in hand. My three steps to His one, I was trailing behind Him. He looked back and said to me, "Not only will I take care of your needs but because I am your daddy and I love you, I am going to give you gifts along the way. Whatever you ask for is yours." I looked up at Him in amazement and said, "Really? Anything?" He said, "Yes my beautiful daughter, anything." I looked around and realized we were walking through the nations. There were people everywhere but a few stood out to me. I said,

"Daddy, can I have Him?"
"Yes."

"What about her?"

"Yes."

"And that little boy too?"

"Consider it done."

I was so overwhelmed with excitement; I started getting bolder with my requests.

"Daddy, what about that group of people over there?"
"Yes."
"That whole orphanage?"
"Yes."

"That brothel?"
"Yes!"

I was beginning to look like a little kid in a candy store.

"How about the whole country?"
"Done"

"India?"

"Yes, my dear."

"Philippines?"

"Yes, whatever you ask in my name will be given to you."

Two Roads One Way

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I have this little book of love letters from God that I read to the girls at work before they go to sleep. This morning I was reading through some of them and this one really caught my attention, so I thought I would share.

My Beloved,

There will always be two roads before you, My love. The popular road is easy, its bumps worn smooth by the wandering crowds. This road appears safe simply because so many have already ventured around its curves nd shuffled down into its valleys. What the crowds don't understand is that this road is filled with regret and guilt, and it ultimately leads to death. This is the road that leads away from Me, your King. If you find yourself on the wrong path, don't lose heart--just cry out to Me and i will find you. I won't join you on this destructive detour, but I will lead you back to the road that leads to life again--the road your feet were created to walk on. Throughout My Word you will find signposts that will give you wisdom and direction. So keep reading and walking, My princess, and you will begin to discover the real joy of the journey of life.

Love,

Your King and the Way, the Truth, and the Life

I have attempted the easy road and along the way experienced more frustration, confusion, and depression than I ever imagined. That path may look clear and you will definitely have company but the truth is that the people on it are internally and eternally lost. Its hard to see it that way until you among their company and need help and you realize that not one of them can point you in the right direction. They are all internally crying out for help and direction just as you are.

I am a living proof that God can lead you back to the right road. But that can only happen when you begin to cry out to him for help, instead of seeking help in all the people that surround you. If He leads you down a road that seems scary or lonely....think about how lonely the other road felt, even though you may have been surrounded by people. Trust Him, let Him lead "The Lord your God will go ahead of you. He will neither fail nor forsake you." I promise you won't be disappointed........and you will soon realize that your courage is contagious and others will follow.